Journal is being stranded
Discussion on enpregnating and delivering another one. Just in time for the holidays. My first resolution is to rediscovering myself. My second is to be an honest gentlemen. And my third is to discontinue swearing excessively when indulging in proper and respectable conversation. Increase mannerism's/ Do not lie. Less of the 2005 Me is acceptible and rather strived for. Survival of the parts of me that are left after the storm is the most important thing to me now, and it is most definitely on my mind to embrace these parts, stitch them, bind them, and heal them in this next coming year. I have wronged a beautiful organism, and dried her heart into dust. To quench her veins and smile of something so tasteful and true that it is not to forget is all i desire. For my heart is rubber made. And no factory nor industry can produce anything else now. It is me that wants nothing more, to pump blood through my veins, and be alive. Make her laugh, make her proud, and accept my tracks i have dug and constructed through out my days. Let time/love make us true. Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me.Truth. No lies. Love. Me. Be nothing else. But me.
If god gave a gift to every dying child, would it be a cure to their sickness, or an invitation to the kingdom of heaven?
I consume the neccessary parts of my day, and shit out the others. I dream for the day my stomache stops buzzing and boiling mid-way into conversation, in-between every word i speak. Its like a tractor crashing through the walls of an apartment building as im trying to talk. Could you close your mouth for one second? Could you, please? No, no you couldn't, because then you would. Simple as that. this is a terrible idea, but maybe if i reason with it we could come to some sort of an agreement. Some sort of mutual agreement! So what do you say? Shall we try? Shall we see what we make of it? Shall we see if it works? Shall we take a look? Because im ready to make it work, cause im ready to make it work.
I just want to say i love you one million times, over and over and over again. I feel sadder and sadder. degrees get lower and so do i, closer to the ground and closer to the ice. I'm imagining myself being on my knees and eating the frosted grass beneath me. I imagine it being the winter that didnt come last year, but the year before. That perfect winter, where long courses of the day were talking to my lover, and sleeping long hours. I would wake to her angry face telling me that half of the day had just been wasted. That was perfect. I remember looking for a certain way to answer her, i always looked for the correct answers. I never said what i wanted to say, but thats always what i should have said. It scares me to imagine her alone. It scares me to imagine her with someone else. But perfection isn't my forte. If only my teeth were straighter, if only my skin was clearer, if only i lived on a street where she lived, if only i could have lifted up the perfect motions to make, if only it was colder. In my head, i always imagine the first smile i saw her make, out by the movie previews. She was wearing a black hoodie with silver wings on the front, and black converses. She said her name was 11i14D19EY and she was brighter then anything i had seen. If only. If only she could find somebody who made her feel like how i felt the first time i saw her beautiful face, then i myself, will feel a few degrees warmer.
Ask me any question you want, please....anything at all.
You're oh so beautiful. More then monroe could be, or even miss hepburn could ever attract me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE LOOOOOOVE THE NEW DEATH CAB. HAS ANYONE HEARD OF...OH SAY...
Synapse to synapse!
Passing through unconscious states!
Weights down so that you could move forward!
These things take my time and energy!
All the girls in every girlie magazine cant make me feel any less alone!
My teeth chattered rythms like a morse code message was sent from me to me!
Left out uninspired by the crust of railroad earth that touched the lead to your manuscript!
Finally there is clarity!
The rythms of my footsteps crossing frontlands to your door have been silenced forever more!
What a tragic way to see our final day!
I cant expell the truth!
I need you so much closer!
Let my lust just come fill in!
You were the mother of three girls so sweet!
Brooklyn will fill the beach eventually!
HOW BOUT SHIT LIKE THAT, NONE OF THIS SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE LOVED BULL SHIT!FUCK.
I'll open your mouth wide and jump in head first. I'll clean out your throat and help you with your breathing. I'll fluff my stomache and be the softest pillow you've ever rested your head on. Throughout these days, i will keep smiling, and i will hope you do the same. We'll laugh. We'll laugh. We'll be together until we're old. I'll be the hospital, ill be the nurse, ill be the surgeon. Ill make sure nothing goes wrong.I'll make sure you are not harmed. There are more and more leaves on the ground everyday. Oh how i wish i could be the ones that fall next to you as you sit and admire the scene.How i want to be the bench you sit on, the pigeons you feed, the man jogging past, the cloud hovering by, the grass under your shoes, the cells of your body, keep you cured for all time. All those others, they lack in realizing your love. I can not help but see it more and more day by day. Through your eyes, through your ears, through your face, through your lips. They may not care about you today, but i say, i have cared for you all day today, yesterday, and tommorow, everyday. i will everyday.
I was flipping through the TV the other day and i landed on this channel where a man was helping two confused lovers with their relationship. After a whole speech about friendship, and teamwork, he looked at the man and said, " Every morning you haveto ask yourself this question as you're getting out of bed: What can i do today to make her shine? What could i do to make her shine like the beautiful, loving, and deserving person she is? You haveto think about that EVERY time you wake up. if you really do love her, You'd ask that question to yourself every single day of the rest of your life, and i believe you can from now on."
I no longer feel a gradual change in my footing. Instead,i feel a pause. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to do it. I am a failure in a lover's state of mind. I find accomplishment in a loveless future. To me, nothing is better. Sitting alone quietly is fine. Nothing can go wrong, nothing can be mistaken. Because there is nothing, nothing but the carbon exchanging for oxygen, the random noises, the most definetly and unmistakebly obscure detail my head develops to lay out in front of me and mislead me. Its intangible, and distorted. Its a valueless product that you depend on, but made final by the people who said it was. Five years from now i wont be thinking the same, i know. This is all for now. This is an internal revolution that has failed miserably and silently. Theres the history of America, theres the history of Europe. Theres the history of myself, one that lacks in heroism, and pride, and relationships. Mine, well, mine consists of sappy stories and boredom, of images that are askew, colorless, and tasteless. I've converted to love. I have converted to sadness."In my day, sadness is all we had". In my day, giving up was common. Broken hearts, divorce, independance. Perhaps becoming a sailor is my best bet. Married to the sea. Nothing more perfect. High waves, dusty specs. No no no no. Not anymore, i can not be mislead! I can no longer pretend that you are not sitting in the back of my mind all the time, because you are. You are always there. You're always smiling, and the sun is always right behind you, making you look golden. I'll endure these images, and sigh, for now. Five years from now i won't be thinking the same, i know. Five years from now i will smile when i see you smile. I'll rest calmly. I'll breathe lightly. I'll feel my heart beat again. I'll begin to love the images in front of me, all the images of you, with the sun behind you, smiling...